Saturday, January 20, 2007
What I dread
I dread being in front of a lot of people. I dread bees and spiders. I also dread getting splinters. I dread spiders because mostly they have eight legs and some spiders have different number of eyes. Some of them are poisonous and they might bite me. However if I leave them alone, the leave me alone.
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5 comments:
Austin,
Thanks for sharing this. I can't say that I dread spiders, but large groups of people still give me problems.
This certainly tells me what you dread, but you are "telling" me as opposed to "showing" me. Show me by using adjectives, verbs, and figurative language in your description. Close your eyes and think what a spider looks like, feels like, smells like etc... then try to think of the words you would need to use to make a reader think the same thing and feel the dread that you feel when you see one.
I liked your descriptive paragraph. It was simple and to the point. Maybe more adjectives, verbs and figurative language next time.
A spider has eight hairy appendages with eight joints in each leg. When I think about that, it creeps me down to my soul. I feel like the spider is 10 times bigger than me and it has a big lumbering body made up of a head and a sack filled with silk. What I hate most about them is the fangs and the eyes--the eight shiny black eyes just staring with no emotions at all, not knowing what it would do next to you. It's just like I'm waiting to see if the fangs will dig into my skin. Just thinking about it makes me not want to think about it anymore.
^ Well I like the revision much better towards the end you started using some very descriptive terms that made me empathize with your fears.
-Chris
I am commenting again Austin because I am in your blog group. There were not that many descriptive words but I liked the paragraph. Figurative language would really help but I understand that you want to get straight to the point. I also hate getting splinters and I also hate and dread the spiders that are sometimes in my shower.
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